Feelings

Feelings are a funny thing. I ummed and ahhh'd about whether to post this entry. But I have to. One of the main reasons I started this blog was to keep a tab on my feelings, so to not write about this would be  a little hypocritical.

I'm ashamed to admit that the first thing I did after receiving Tuesdays phone call was return to the only coping mechanism I've ever used in times of despair - cigarettes. As soon as I put down the receiver, something inside me just started yearning for a nicotine hit. Rather than fighting it as I should have done, I caved. I don't ever want to be a smoker again. I am more than disappointed in myself for being so weak. I will not rely on cigarettes to get me through this in the long term. But until I have come to terms with it, I will not beat myself up too much. Anything to get me through these first few rocky weeks.

Last night I cried. I cried until I was sick. I cannot remember the last time I cried so hard, I doubt I ever have. It all started when a post appeared on my Facebook newsfeed about a little girl who has been battling cancer. She had stopped breathing and had been rushed into hospital. Her mother had been keeping everybody updated, and had posted one line in particular that struck a chord with me. She said "I then realised, once again, that I cannot actually loose Claudia, not now, not ever.". And it got me thinking. What if Anna dies? I'm not going to pretend this hasn't crossed my mind before, it has many a time. How will I live my life without Anna in it? And then I started thinking a little bit more. What happens when we die? Who will look after Anna? I would never expect Leo to surrender his life to care for his sister, that wouldn't be fair on him. She would have to go into care. And then I thought a little more. She's probably going to have to into care at some point anyway. I won't be able to single handedly care for her when I'm older, or when her needs become more complex. Of course I could be jumping the gun a little, but it may happen. After this my mind turned to our financial situation. At present, I earn enough to cover our rent and perhaps do a couple of food shops. The rest is paid by Sam. We're not going to have this income anymore. And I panicked. Once again I reached for a cigarette. But we didn't have any. And that was what pushed me over. Ridiculous! 

People keep telling me how brave I am. But really, I'm not brave at all. I'm scared. I'm scared about what what the future holds for us all. I'm sad my baby will never live the life she should be living. I have no choice but to except what is happening and make the best of an awful situation. But I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. I have no choice but to. Wallowing in self pity will not get us anywhere. I need to be strong for my children, for Sam, for my family and for myself. I refuse to let this ruin our lives.